baliw. baliw. baliw.

8 april 2004


i wish to be saved from myself

saved from all thoughts,

all visions, all consciousness

all these things inside

that come again and again

birthed from this eternal tidal wave

i try to contain

i am long gone, way in over my head

drowned myself willingly and inevitably

having carved all my waking days

and painted my dark moments at night

with everything that is you

against my strength, with all my will

brought myself beyond salvation

come let me go

come let me go

come let me go

don’t let me go

come let me go

end this

end me

next week’s to do list

crack an egg on my head just to see what’s cookin’
you suppose, any fire defiant bright up there
or any minute now you’ll hear me bleat?

spread my arms, twist my feet, crane my neck
just to check, am i with strength to save my own
or any minute now you’ll hear me squawk?

pluck my eyes and live in a black world
blind, do i see the miracle of breathing
or any minute now you’ll hear me fall?

bleed out my ears and cut out my tongue
will i thrive, still hear love and scream gratitude
or any minute now you’ll hear me despair?

break my body, crush my bones, lose all
eternally livid, have i still wings to fly
or any minute now you’ll hear my denial three times?

wake up, wake up, wake up
speak, ask
He listens

un-updated bloggy thingy!

*un-updated bloggy thingy! have no time to think of fascinating blog posts. therefore have to resort to rummaging through my old rantings and find some fillers for the time being. and so i am posting something i found in my files. right, files. behold my valiant attempts at filipino poetry.

your patience and understanding is a must here coz i suck.

4 august 2000


tama na nga ‘tong pagyoyosi,

umiitim na nga baga ko, umiitim na rin mga labi ko

sa usok na nagiging buhay ko

baka mam’ya ayaw mo na akong halikan.

pero bakit mo nga naman ako hahalikan?

hindi naman tayo magkaano-ano, hindi naman tayo magkakilala,

hindi naman ako ang nakabalot sa mga yakap mong nagaangkin

kundi ‘yang putang yan kahit mas puta naman ako kung alam mo lang.

hindi mo ko nakikita ngunit kilalang-kilala kita,

kilalang-kilala ko ang iyong mga matang mahilig tumingin sa mga maiiksing palda

kilalang-kilala ko ang iyong ngiting nagliliyab sa kabastusan

kilalang-kilala ko ang iyong boses na punong-puno ng kayabangan

kilalang-kilala ko ang iyong mala-demonyong halakhak

na tila dumadagundong sa buong mundo.

ay, nga pala, hindi naman sa buong mundo.

dito ka lang dumadagundong kung saan ako humihinga.

putang ina.

pare, akin na nga ‘yang yosi ko.

hindi kita matitigilan kahit kailan,

sa usok at apoy na lang tayo magkakasama.


halos maglilimang taon na at di mo pa rin ako sinasagot.

ilang beses ba kitang kikilitiin ng aking mga daliri?

ilang ulit ba kitang paghihirapan gabi-gabi

hanggang magkakakalyo na ang aking mga kamay?

ilang tugtugin pa ba ang pagpipilitang ibuo sa iyong katawan?

wala talaga akong pasensya,

wala akong tiyagang matutong paiyakin ka.

tangina naman,

hanggang ngayo’y di pa rin ako magaling maggitara.

loose thoughts

couldn’t stop thinking about myself
how my arms, legs, skin felt then, feel now
enclosed by, unclosed with whatever you were, are
razed, evened out, compacted, taken

couldn’t stop running my hands along
lines, creases, smoothness you paved, trailed, left
imprinted unconsciously or by design on whatever i was, am
relinquished, immovable, movable, given

couldn’t help remembering you, heavy, sweet
couldn’t help wishing we were back to that
gliding, not together always, separately
back to now, patient, impatient for tomorrow

i remember, but

i remember you, but
in those days i washed myself with darkness and bathed in shadows
in those nights i breathed stillness but wished for inner silence
in those hours i craved clarity and wrapped myself in smoke
in those moments i only knew how to run
without leaving explanations

i remember you, but
in those crowds i screamed to be seen yet sought invisibility
in those measures i begged for time to be deliberate and devious
in those spaces i stayed for sanity and deliverance
in those verses i only knew how to bleed
without comprehending the cause

i remember you, but
back then i preferred to remember myself
and steer clear of madness.

useless post. my brain’s asleep again. wretched thing.

“riddle me this, riddle me that

who’s afraid of the big black bat?”

favorite green villain with flashing eyes

whispered in the caves of the double-faced.

double-face remembered the acid wash, flicked his coin

and squirmed and screamed in green jungles

as he heard and lived in his head

how the bodies ripped and the blood rained

not even pretty little asian wife could set him down.

they crossed over an ocean to forget the red skies

and drop his name to become an unknown

train the eager new dude with the raybans on hand

as they crushed bugs under their shiny black shoes

and messed with people’s heads

with their bright flashy thingies.

and oh yes, the cool dude also happened to save the world

from annihilation with the help of the fly.


drama in my dream drunk mind

white flat screen bright silence breathes
monotone humdrum riffs of clacking keys
no play all work in our bodies embed
pen scratch paper rip thought train suspend

lazy daisy imagines great heights
flower child inside seeks alternative high
tiny electric black box materialize
lazy daisy dares to amplify

radio head waves invade implode
jack up turn up unleash withhold
high up we streak down hard we drive
neck bobs knuckle cracks beatnick jive

clear skies, wings high, here we go…

(silence breeds peculiarity.)

proxify prohibition

draw curtain, open scene

quick itchy nimble fingers

proxify me, baby.

fuck we’re blocked, baby.

bye bye friendsters.

next time we’ll proxify me to kingdom come.

* * * * * * *

just a brief background on this post, lest you (whoever you are) conceive in your minds that i am simply rambling incoherently about things (which i probably am, but mind you they make perfect sense to me). the beloved friendster site has been unfortunately blocked by our IT dept (evil, conniving creatures that they are) and so my fellow workers and i had to resort to using proxy servers in order to access the wretched website and feed our friendster addiction. was such a server but it was only good for a few days coz those proxify people things decided to charge fees. whatever. now i’m waiting word on the next proxy server to use. tsk, why on earth am i explaining myself to you?

dream of an empty head…

i am pregnant silence
supernova of thoughts
fingers running marathons on the keyboard
letters, words dripping out of my skin
race, race the electric speed train
fingers working, working, working…
i am carpal-tunnel-syndrome’s next bitch.

i have lost it. i have lost my grasp. i have lost my words. i cannot write anymore. maybe it’s because i am no longer drowning in my own dark thoughts. maybe it’s because i have somehow crawled out of the hole i had dug myself into. it seems sunlight killed whatever creativity was growing inside my head. what now?